


lonely twin (the left hand)

by rosewitchx



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: A+ Parenting, Body Horror, Communication, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s01e22 Steven and the Stevens, Gen, Identity Issues, In a sense, Inside jokes, Mommy Issues, Murder-Suicide, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Please let me know if i have to tag anything else im a clown, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sibling Love, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Violent Thoughts, bro i mean this this ones a heavy one, i have rewatchd that episode a MILLION times its so good, if you count shared trauma as jokes, it doesnt actually happen, permafusion, pink steven isnt a robot guys, steven is a fusion, teenager splits into two; halves arent sure who’s most of the teenager and who gets to keep the name, the boys goofin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22869361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewitchx/pseuds/rosewitchx
Summary: for someone like steven, death is a joint effort.— or, an attempt is thwarted.
Relationships: Pink Steven Universe & Steven Universe
Comments: 48
Kudos: 323





	1. fragility

**Author's Note:**

> tw: suicide attempt  
> im on a spain trip and yall know my brain wont allow me to have even one nice week  
> anyway hows rhat leak owch  
> not sure if i should make this multiple chapters. i like my boys. let me know.

ending his life is a joint effort. it’s just a side effect of being who he is, the way he is; nothing is ever easy for the halfling prince of the stars. end the body, end the gem, and it’ll all be over. 

he goes to sleep a hybrid, mumbles a small request before falling slump in the bathtub. seventeen years of, quite frankly, misery. seventeen years of traumatic event after traumatic event, countless assassination attempts one after the other, a million secrets his mother kept from the universe; they all stack up and choke at him, drive his body towards the cabinet in the bathroom and lead his hands, carefully, to the clear orange bottle of sleeping pills. it’s late at night when he pops them in, and then another, and another; he doesn’t realize what he’s doing, even, until it’s far too late. 

he thinks he dreams of nothing. mask island, splitting in half. the garden, pristine and beautiful — and his own garden, forgotten and dying. the stars, up there, and the reminder that he can never truly save everyone, because that includes himself and he’s beyond repair. 

he goes to sleep a hybrid. he goes to sleep, steven universe (renounced the middle name, held onto what was only his), and when he opens his eyes he’s not _himself._

the bathroom glows magenta and he’s staring at his organic body. his chest rises and falls, still, but it’s slowing, slowing…

he wants to be with himself. he wants—

he doesn’t want that. it _hurts,_ being steven. it’s _awful._ his heart always feels like lead, his hands shiver too much, he can’t ever say what matters when it counts. 

what _does_ he want, then, he wonders? he looks at the dying body once more, looks at the boy that should be himself, and turns towards the door. 

the house is empty, it seems, after his last outburst. he scans the residence anyway and heads straight into his room in the temple, makes his way into pearl’s. 

what _does_ he want?

ending his life is a joint effort. 

does he want that? or did steven simply assume—

_does he want this?_

pearl follows him out the instant she sees him. when she sees the body her reaction is even worse. it’s as if she’s mad with the world; he can’t blame her.

it still stings when she calls him ‘pink’. 

_ending his life is a joint effort._ it wouldn’t take long to shatter his own gem. 

does he _want_ that?

pearl attends a phone call and soon the house is filled to the brim with gems, humans, friends of the body. it’s disorientating. he needs to escape — he needs to guard the body. 

his chest still rises, still falls. 

“can’t you heal him?,” peridot asks him. they all hover anxiously behind her. 

“self-inflicted,” he replies. 

“that didn’t answer my question at all.”

he doesn’t give her an answer, not yet. he can heal the body. he knows he can. he’s done it before. 

why is he hesitating now?

does he _want this?_

“this is a waste of time,” lapis scoffs. her arms scoop the body up, and he’s right by her side immediately. “let’s go to the fountain.”

“no,” he says. everyone looks at him: pearl is horrified, garnet is stoic and _all mighty stop that_ amethyst is angry and greg is—

dad is crying.

“why not?!,” he thinks he hears some gem say. he doesn’t know who it is. he can’t make himself reply. 

_it’s a joint effort._ so why is he taking the body from lapis’ embrace?

death would be so easy, now. summon the shield, shatter yourself before anyone can stop you. and he craves it. his fingers ache. his whole being is tired. even his gemsong is quieter, now, like a whisper in a library. he’s not even sure of _what_ he is when he’s like this. he’s not even _steven_ , not entirely _._ he doesn’t know _who_ he is. he doesn’t want to be this anymore. summon the shield, slam it against your gem. it would be comically fast. 

why is he saving him then, tears of mercy rolling down his glowing skin, if _this_ is what he wants?


	2. fraternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the body wakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i have no self control and wrote another chapter immediately after postingg whats up  
> its 3am  
> TO CLARIFY they are NOT romantically involved they are the SAME they are STEVEN and they are BABY they just love each other very much and when you spend most of your life being part of aomeone else with someone identical to you youre BOUND to adore them but theyre JUST FRIENDS theyre SIBLINGS

he loves the gem, he thinks. 

he's only existed for the gem. most of his life he didn’t even know he _existed at all;_ all he was (all they were), for the longest time, was _steven_. and for a while being just steven was enough. was okay. they were happy being afterthoughts, he thinks, because they were happy together. 

now, the body isn’t so sure it was always like that. but he knows for sure: he loves the gem. he always has. the gem has existed for longer, much longer; the gem has loved him for ages, before either of them knew what love even was. the gem and the body were one and they loved each other like the sea loves the land, like the cold breaks the glass. the gem and the body were a boy, they were hope, they were light and fury and fight and peace and love on the planet earth and maybe they would shatter and break and bleed and cry eventually, but they were together and they loved each other without knowing they did. 

and then suddenly they were ripped apart and they discovered they were never _one_ to begin with. it was never _steven universe demayo,_ human being of beach city, or _steven quartz diamond,_ gem patriarch. he was both and neither. he was a genius; he was a fool. 

he was the body, the gem. and they hated every second of it. 

they loved each other, still. but they were _aware_ of the fact now. they knew that for every step the body took, the gem cried in mourning. they knew that for every moment of gemsong spoken, the body writhed and ached. and if steven closed his eyes, it tormented them all: memories of swords and claws and arrows and fangs barely missing his neck, his whole body bleeding till its last drop until he managed to save himself (or forced himself to), _her long nails splitting him into heaven and earth—_

 _sometimes they weren’t even_ **_his_ ** _memories——_

when the body wakes up the gem isn’t there, and he feels the weight of the entire universe crashing onto him. he feels numb, cold, in agony; everything is too grey and too quiet and he wails. an instant later the gem is right by his side, clutching his dying hand. 

_“i’m here,”_ the gem sings in gemspeak, all soft chiptunes and strings. _“breathe.”_

“fuck,” the body moans. they split. “ _steven—_ “

the gem squeezes his hand. it’s comforting, even though it hurts. his whole body is covered in butterflies, shimmering light onto him. the gem is no different, but he doesn’t seem to mind. the body knows he does. 

they’re alone in steven’s room. the walls glow with a magenta shine, reflecting the gem’s light. the body casts strange shadows onto the countless posters and photographs steven loves collecting. downstairs, the body can hear voices of people he loves, hushed whispers and worried sentences. 

the gem is sitting in bed next to him. his whole being feels like it’s on fire, suddenly, and the temperature change is a whiplash that makes the body draw in a tight breath. the gem’s expression is as impassible as ever, but the body can tell how he feels, anyway; it’s in the micromovements of his eyebrows, the corners of his eyes, the way his lips move minimally into the faintest ghost of a frown. 

“don’t be sad,” the body mutters, ever-compassionate, even though he knows he might be dying. “i’m alright now.”

“steven isn’t.” the body knows: the gem is upset. he seems angry, and maybe he is, just a little bit, but he’s mostly sad this is happening at all. 

“he isn’t,” the body agrees, anyway. “what do we do?”

“inconclusive. not enough data.”

“you’re so silly sometimes.”

“statistics show you are a clown, actually.”

“hey!” but the body laughs, soft, bubbly. silly, if you may. “where is everyone anyway?”

the gem doesn’t reply for a moment. “downstairs,” he says. “ _shimmer_ protocol is in effect.”

“ah.” that explains the pink room, then. a quick glance at the sliding glass door confirms that it is indeed locked, coated in perfect rose-colored panes. “oh, sweetheart. i’m so sorry.”

“i was scared.” the gem is vibrating. he does that, sometimes. when he’s spilling his whole code out. “i almost let it happen.”

“i know, darling. i know. it’s okay. we’re both here.”

“next time,” the gem starts. and then there’s a loud bang against the glass door. it catches the body off-guard and he flinches. the gem is surprised too, but he moves to shield the body instead. 

“it’s just a silly old seagull!,” the body laughs. 

the gem doesn’t recede. 

“i won’t save us next time,” he says. “i don’t know if i can.”

“that’s okay.” the seagull flies off, into the sunset. the gem stays frozen in place. the body struggles to stand up, stumbles his way to the gem — and he’s caught by him as he falls. 

“careful.”

he huffs through a pained smile. “you too, dear.”

they settle back in bed and try to breathe, just for a moment. the walls are still up. they’re holding hands, but neither of them make a move. 

“we should fuse soon,” the gem says. “they are waiting for him.”

“do you _want_ to fuse?” the body looks at him. a tiny fidget of his hands and an even smaller twitch of his eyes give him away. “i thought so. we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do.”

“you will die.” the gem is trembling again. “ _steven_ will die.”

“you’re here to save us. it won’t happen. we just… need some time to breathe, don’t we? to think a little bit.”

the gem purses his lips. 

“we can’t help him like this,” the body insists. “you have problems. i do, too. and neither of us wants to be steven right now. so let’s just… pause protocol _shimmer_?” the gem outright glares at him. “okay, okay. but we can make a new protocol. for… for this situation. any name ideas? you’ve always been better at naming stuff than me.”

“rose,” he says, immediately. they both know he doesn’t mean it. the body still elbows him before laughing. 

“be serious.”

“ _serious steven_ protocol enabled. how does ‘pink’ sound?”

the body can’t help but laugh, despite it all. the gem is smiling now. 

the body loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the gems: i wonder what pink stevrn is doing up there 😨😨😨😭😭  
> the gem and the body: goofin 😳😳😳


	3. remembrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys owe an explanation. the gem thinks of the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am... SO bored of this quarantine...  
> yall better be SAFE

pearl is confused. 

no, actually, that’s an understatement. pearl is— horrified. distraught. completely lost. they’re all hovering on steven’s living room and she’s certain they would be hovering on steven’s  _ bed  _ weren’t it for the pink wall blocking the stairs. when the barrier fell she thought,  _ well, this is it! steven is back and he’ll finally have an explanation for us!  _ but then she… the pink thing walks down the stairs, holding steven’s hand, and steven looks like death, and they  _ still aren’t fused together! _ she’s going to have a meltdown. 

“steven!,” everyone says. they’re wary, as the pink doppelganger is a little, uh, unnerving, but the kid smiles softly, like nothing has even happened, and speaks up. 

“i, uh, steven and i have an announcement to make,” he says. his voice is a little rough, uneven, yet still incredibly kind. pink nods. 

“sit,” pink commands. 

“be nice, sweetheart,” steven chides him. the gem deflates. 

“ _ please  _ sit,” he repeats. slowly, everyone follows their lead. “steven will now speak.”

“thank you, steven. well, i’ll just get to the point…” steven coughs (pearl is starting to think maybe he’s a little ill) before continuing. “steven and i have decided steven is grounded, so we will not be refusing for the time being.”

there’s silence. stunned, absolute silence. 

“was that too confusing?,” he says, after a moment. he looks to pink, and pink looks back, and they both seem to communicate without words.  _ oh, stars, _ pearl thinks. “okay. maybe it was too much too fast.”

“it was,” pink agrees. 

“what do you  _ mean? _ ,” amethyst speaks up. “you— you  _ have  _ to fuse back, what about—“

“no,” garnet says, “they  _ don’t _ ,” and everyone joins in. they’ve lost control of the situation, and they haven’t even explained themselves! 

“can  _ someone  _ please just  _ tell me  _ what even happened to make steven do this?,” pearl asks, but her question is lost in the cacophony of gemspeak and english. 

eventually, the noise does die down. but it’s too late, then: steven has left, retreated back into his room, and pink guards the staircase, which is surrounded by the pink barrier again, just in case. “too loud,” he says. “it overwhelmed steven.”

“i think  _ everyone’s _ a little overwhelmed,” greg says. pink seems to relax a little around him, and that’s good, pearl thinks, but not enough. he steps forward, sets a hand on the gem’s shoulder and they all watch as pink stares right into his eyes. “do you wanna talk to us instead?”

the gem doesn’t speak. 

“yeah, dude,” amethyst tries to coax him. “we just want to know what happened.”

“everything,” pink says. 

“what do you mean?,” pearl asks. her hands are shaking. her voice is wavering. “what does that mean,  _ everything? _ ”

pink stares at her and she feels cold in her soul. his eyes are empty, chilling, his expression neutral, and yet, it’s like— it’s as if—

“everything,” he says, and it’s as if he’s screaming out in  _ agony,  _ how did she miss this? “have you not noticed?”  _ no, no— i would’ve seen it, this isn’t happening—  _ “steven is grounded because he cannot function properly at the moment.”

“steven,” garnet says, and they all look at her, startled. even pink does, his expression as neutral as ever. “we need you to explain this more clearly. can you do that?”

pink nods, and they wait, expecting him to just speak. he doesn’t. 

“steven?”

“he’s been hurting all along,” he says. “we thought— if we stuck together for him, it would be okay. but it wasn’t.”

he finally moves, then.

the gems all follow. 

the gem remembers. he isn’t steven, and steven isn’t him, just like the body isn’t either. they're two halves. 

he remembers when they first realized that. the gem stared at the body, writhing and dying on static flooring, reaching out to  _ him—  _ connie had been there, and he wonders, sometimes, what she thinks of him. she had first reached for the body, after all, not the gem. 

he remembers fusing with the body, frail and heavy in his arms but slowly gaining strength and life and beauty and feeling laughter bubble from within him and he felt  _ happy,  _ even though something horrible had just happened and if he thought about it he couldn’t breathe very well. but he remembers the body squeezing his hand, dancing with him, and he gets to forget about it for a bit. and for a while, steven didn’t  _ have  _ to think about what had happened. he was too busy to think about the new voices in his brain, about the ringing of his gem and the beating of his heart. 

and then steven was all alone in his room, staring at the ceiling at three am, and his hand snaked onto his gemstone, and his breathing hitched as it settled in—

he wasn’t  _ just  _ steven.  _ she  _ had forced them out. 

and just like that they’d been sent into a spiral of panic and fear and pain, it was too recent, too fresh on their minds - and even then they held on. for steven. 

and steven realized  _ they  _ were holding  _ him  _ together. 

and steven ran to the bathroom. 

the gem remembers. white’s long, black nails running over the body, touching  _ him  _ and holding him with a grip so sharp he’s sure it left scratches on them both. pulling at him, ripping him apart from the body. the body’s scream of pure, raw agony. the gem, scrambling to find a form to reform to, now that it was being forced to. flinching when its first instinct was  _ mom _ .

the whole situation is categorized neatly in the  _ trauma conga line  _ folder. it takes the crowning spot in the gem’s code, the single worst thing that’s ever happened to him. he’s pretty sure it’s the same for the body. it’s far from being the only thing on the list, unfortunately. 

“how did you even unfuse in the first place?,” pearl asks him. what an easy question to ask. how hard it is to answer. 

“steven got split in half,” he says, hoping that’s enough. he knows it isn't.

the gem remembers, even though he didn’t know he existed back then: steven fading into sand in his hands.  _ arrivederci,  _ he had said. they were so young, all of them. just kids. 

the gem remembers, somehow, just a flash in his mind: pearl’s fingers brushing against him, and steven flinching away. 

the gem remembers: pink, pink, pink. 

the gem remembers: the breaking point against his surface. 

the gem remembers: a crack running through amethyst’s gemstone. 

the gem remembers:  _ i don’t matter.  _ a sword in connie’s hand. 

the gem  _ remembers _ . but he says all these things, and the most he gets is a shrug or an embarrassed expression, and his core fills with anger. he even mentions  _ jasper _ , the cluster, anything, and  _ greg _ has the audacity to say he doesn’t understand what the problem is. 

how is it that  _ he  _ remembers, but nobody else does?

**Author's Note:**

> Im doing fine now, just to clarify. I wrote this a few nights ago when i was leaning on the edge of relapse, but i managed to vent it all out in time and im stable again.


End file.
